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If only our bottles were somehow conjoined...
I date other men. It wasn’t always supposed to be this way. My ambition at 22 was to live in Manhattan for a few years, then head out to LA, produce movies, live in a house on stilts, snort only the finest yayo, and nail every vaginally-advantaged person I could along the way. I still believe that plan had some really strong points.
Instead, I got married and moved to DC. With no friends from high school or college in DC, I had to go through the fun experience of making new friends, either with the husbands of all of my wife's friends, or with people at work. This is basically the same as dating. You try and find people who have similar interests. Then you see if you have chemistry. Then, you decide if you want to spend more time together. And then, of course, you have hot buttsex.
Everything has been reversed. The same flirting and chasing I used to do with chicks I now do with guys. And I can't even begin to tell you how gay that is. Gayer that the gayest gay that has ever gayed. Regardless, I’ve netted a decent friend or two out of this process, but there are rules you need to follow when you’re dating your fellow man, and here they are:
How To Ask Another Man Out This can be done by email or over the phone and should consist of only five words: “Hey, wanna grab some beers?” Any longer than that, and you’re a flaming queer. And, for God’s sake, don’t ask him to dinner. Fucking the guy would be less awkward.
Dress Code Shirt. Sneakers. Jeans. Old baseball cap of a legitimate college/NFL/MLB/NBA sports team. Any more formal than that and you may as well bring your assless chaps.
Never Date A Guy Who Isn’t Into Sports You wouldn’t believe the number of men I’ve met down here who have barely any interest in sports. They’d rather talk about things like “the war”, or “the stock market”, or “why Drew likes to put his hand on his sack and then smell it”. I can talk to my wife about shit like that. That’s what she’s there for. I need another guy to discuss important shit, like Vikings’ glaring need for wideout depth, or why Stuart Scott needs to be humanely destroyed. My wife is beyond worthless for this. The point of making friends is so you can talk about shit with them that you can’t with the wife. So make sure the guy you’re into likes sports. And hot fucking.
Make Sure He’s The Reliable Sort You have a wife and/or a kid. Getting free time to use for the express purpose of drinking is hard to come by. You gotta find a potential friend who is ready to drink when you are. There’s no point in making friends with someone if you have to actually make an effort with them. That’s what women do with each other, and it sucks.
Make Sure He Drinks Drinking is awesome and promotes dick jokes. If the guy you’re going out with doesn’t drink, you may as well befriend a fucking tree.
Mention The Fact That You Have Other Friends That You Did Lots of Awesome Shit With No one wants to be friends with a loser. Make sure you tell at least one story about the time you pissed somewhere you weren’t supposed to piss or beat a vagrant to death at Mardi Gras.
Rules About Calling If you and the guy have a good time, call him again two weeks later. Any sooner and you’ll look desperate. If he doesn't like you, he won’t call back. Move on. Find a new man-crush. And if you don’t like the guy, never call him back. You don’t want to be stuck with a friend you don’t actually like. Again, that’s what women do with each other, and it sucks.
Bring Astroglide, a Stick of Butter, and a Pair of Flippers Hey, you never know.
Well written and original. It flowed well and you had a couple of very funny lines. As pathetic as it is, I really can't see myself being friends with someone who doesn't drink heavily. When I get together with my buddies drinking is always implied and absolutetely mandatory. I can't imagine an activity that does not entail degenerate boozing. It's funny, when broads get together they do shit like shop and talk about matching periods. When guys get together, we drink. Good times.
Grade: A
Drawz
Good Job
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Posted: 10/3/2006 11:34:41 AM
I agree w/ Eugene: this was refreshing and original. I never really thought about the establishing friendships with other guys in that light before, but Drew is dead on. Nice work, Chief.
testosterone
TOTAL BS
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Posted: 10/3/2006 12:47:57 PM
Well written...for a woman trapped in a man's body.
Any man who wastes this much time and effort pussying around worrying about "relationships" with other men is a total homo. What real man has time for this crap? If I wanted to waste time worrying about the delicacies of being friends with men I'd cut my own dick off and wear a dress.
Why hasn't Sgt. Napalm Jones hasn't come in here and smacked you repeatedly for this pansy-ass female BS?
...because you would have enjoyed it, that's why, and then begged him to sell you for cigarettes.
Christine
awww
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Posted: 10/3/2006 1:16:41 PM
Somebody's bitter that they don't have any friendsy wendsies. It'll be ok Testy. You still have your mom to hang out with.
This article was very good and very realistic. Guys have strange rules that they must endure to avoid homo land. Drew was nice enough to put them out there and I am sure plenty of the male readers (read: all readers) appreciate it. Good Job!
Testes
No Christine
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Posted: 10/3/2006 1:34:40 PM
We don't have any rules about being friends with each other because if we did, we'd be women.
Let's sum this up with the man's own words:
"The same flirting and chasing I used to do with chicks I now do with guys. And I can't even begin to tell you how gay that is. Gayer that the gayest gay that has ever gayed."
Absolutely correct, and again, real men don't bother with this pathetic drivel, or any other "men" who want to be "friends" with these "spiffy" rules, because it and they are totally gay.
...and of course, that's why Eugene liked it.
...and Drew even knows this, which is why he correctly points it out up front and makes constant references to gay sex throughout the article.
Chris W
GOLD
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Posted: 10/3/2006 1:42:54 PM
"Gayer that the gayest gay that has ever gayed."
Christine
hmmm
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Posted: 10/3/2006 1:51:53 PM
Well then what is a non-gay way to make friends if you don't know anyone? would you rather have no one? You boys are so ridiculous. I'm not a feminist, but girls are definitely better.
Eugene
Testes
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Posted: 10/3/2006 1:56:29 PM
I liked the article because of all the references to gay se...uh, I mean because it was funny.
You're an utter dipshit for not getting the ironic tone of this article. Nothing more needs to be said.
Your grade: D.
I would have given you an F but you did cite evidence to support your demonstrably erroneous thesis.
dc
You are wrong Christine
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Posted: 10/3/2006 2:19:46 PM
Every guy knows how two faced woman are with each other. You wouldn't believe all the shit your best friend says about you when you're not around.
Christine
Yeah
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Posted: 10/3/2006 2:30:19 PM
But while we're with each other we can get nice and fucked up and dance and shit. No girls are loyal. That's why I would rather hang with guys, and I do a lot of the time. But I still have a lot of girlfriends that have been my best friends since I was 6. I can't stand them half the time, but at least they are around when I need them. And there is no gayness when we call each other. this is boggling my mind.
If you moved somewhere and didn't know a soul, what would you do? you know you are gonna want to go out and going out with your wife or husband is fucking retarded. so what do you do to make friends?
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