Nov 23 2008 Jean-Claude Van Damme probably shouldn't be allowed near women
Poor Sarah Ball over at Newsweek got stuck with the assignment to call Jean-Claude Van Damme and discuss his latest movie J.C.V.D. I say "poor" because what Sarah's editors neglected to tell her is the man's flipping Froot Loops and has a penchant for horribly-veiled innuendos. Just read:
There's a monologue in the film about being a washed-up action star. Did you improvise that?
I like structure—like driving: go past the school on the street, stay on the right side, no hitting the car, go in right, you'll see a big church, stop and take a left, and you'll have it. By doing this I'm giving a structure of life, a path of light, and showing what happens between me and me, which is something very beautiful.
Beautiful? Why?
I really opened myself up in "JCVD." I peeled back the skin of the fruit, cut the pulp and then took that very hard seed. In this film I cut that hard seed, and inside that seed was a kind of liquid cream substance of the man I am, or the woman you are.
OK —
It was like being naked—I would love to be naked in front of you.
Well, I —
Not being naked being naked. I say such things in Hong Kong and they thought I was being a crazy Frenchman. Being naked of protection.
So you ' ve no regrets at all?
Believe me—I've done very good stuff and very crazy stuff, and I don't regret the crazy stuff. So are you in New York?
Yes, I am.
And are you 27, or 32?
I ' m 22.
Oh, f–––. That is very young. Will you come to the premiere?
I don ' t know. When is it?
I don't know. You will wear all black, a black dress and high heels?
Uh —
You can come find me, I will be the one with the very broad shoulders, dark hair and a simple suit. We can have some champagne, you and me.
I should probably point out that Jean-Claude Van Damme is married. Whoops! Though to be fair he's on his fifth marriage, and it's the second go-round with this wife. She knew what she was getting into. (Herpes.)
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Nov 22 2008 Nicollette Sheridan & David Spade: Why not?
Middle-aged? Recently dumped by your respectable-looking musician boyfriend/husband? Don't worry. David Spade's gonna make everything alright. OK! Magazine reports:
The Desperate Housewives star was celebrating her 45th birthday at new L.A. hot spot Luau in Beverly Hills — the same place they were spotted together a few weeks ago at the grand opening — and onlookers tell OK!, "Nicolette and David were full-on making out!"
The duo arrived separately and even started the dinner at separate booths but couldn't resist each other for long! According to witnesses, Spade winked at Sheridan and stood at her side while she blew out the candles on her cake. After that, the two retreated to a booth where they cuddled and kissed.
Is there anyone David Spade hasn't banged? From Heather Locklear to Playboy Bunnies to now Nicollete Sheridan, the guy's penis has been there. Obviously, women find it attractive when a small man makes love to them then vanishes in a "POOF" of green clovers and red balloons.
I should be writing this down...
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Nov 22 2008 Linda Hogan wants Hulk to pay her boyfriend's tuition
When Old Lady McGrossBoobs isn't pretending to be Paris Hilton, she spends her free time trying to sue Hulk Hogan into paying for shit. She currently rakes in $40 grand a month in spousal support, but how can she send her boytoy Charley to sea school on such paltry funds? I mean, Christ, where's the humanity? TMZ reports:
Charley Hill wants to go to sea school, and Linda wants Hulk to pay for what could be the next Captain & Tennille. Getting back to why $40,000 isn't enough, Linda blew $14 grand at a Bev Hills Doctor's office this week. Hulk says it's for cosmetic surgery.
Sea school, huh? I'm guessing Charley wants to be around some fresh fish for a change. Um, because he loves Red Lobster so much. Yeah, that's exactly what I meant...
NOTE: Christina Aguilera in five years. I'm calling it.
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Nov 22 2008 Jessica Simpson loves baby nephew Brooklyn Mogwai (Close enough)
Jessica Simpson took time off from eating bread crumbs down by the lake to let the world know how adorable her new nephew Bronx Mowgli Wentz is. According to People:
"Bronx is beyond precious. I'm over the moon with joy," the singer said Friday. "Life is a beautiful miracle. Ashlee and Pete are healthy, happy, and enjoying every moment."
She then added: "If anyone sees Tony Romo, tell him it's safe to come home. I was only joking when I said I spent the entire night crying and pouring my birth control pills down the toilet. - - Or was I?" *wink*
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Nov 22 2008 Travis Barker suing over plane crash
Travis Barker is filing a negligence lawsuit against the owners and makers of the Learjet that left four people dead and the former Blink 182 drummer, along with DJ AM, severely burnt. According to recordings released by the Federal Aviation Administration this week, the plane had hit a speed of 153 mph when a tire blew. The Monday morning quarterback consensus is the pilots should've taken off and burnt off fuel. Instead they drove off the runway which brings us to Travis' suit. E! News reports:
Per court documents filed Friday in Los Angeles Superior Court, Barker's camp believes that "one or more of the tires failed, leaving tire debris and portions of airplane components along the 8,600 foot runway" and the pilot made a "negligent attempt to abort the takeoff."
"The pilot's decision was a breach of their duty owed to the passengers onboard and was a substantial factor in causing the crash and resultant injuries and deaths," the suit continues.
Moreover, the jet's "landing gear, tires, wheels, brakes, reverse thrust system, squat switches and component parts were not airworthy."
"Statistically speaking, it's still the safest way to travel." - Superman
Then again, this is coming from an asshole who wears his underwear outside his pants. I'll take the bus.
Nov 21 2008 AnnaLynne McCord slips a nipple then puts on a bikini (Can we get an Emmy over here?)
AnnaLynne McCord filmed a beach party scene for 90210 yesterday and her nipple accidentally popped out while she was running. To make up for this snafu, AnnaLynne stripped down to a bikini and bent over. Okay... Not sure where she learned that trick, but there's an actress who doesn't want to go back to the Gap. Take note, young Hollywood.
NOTE: Pics link to NSFW versions that are totally going to make Dylan jealous when he gets to the Peach Pit.
Nov 21 2008 Britney Spears' impersonation of her dad yields a shocking truth
Like the strange warts you got from the strip club restroom, clips of Britney Spears' new documentary Britney: For the Record continue to show up online. The latest features Britney doing an impersonation of her father/conservator Jamie Spears talking on the phone (via Us Magazine):
"This is my dad," Spears, 26, says while pacing back and forth between takes of her "Womanizer" video.
"'Britney, get your a-- in here and sit down right there!'" she says, switching into a Southern twang. Jamie - Spears' permanent conservator - spent most of his life in Louisiana.
"'She don't listen to me,'" Spears continues. "'She screams at me, and she gets on me [for] screaming at her...you have to talk some f--king sense into her."
While the impression is pretty remarkable coming from Britney Spears, I couldn't help but notice one glaring fact. Turns out when Jamie Spears talks on the phone he disappears for an hour. Think about that for a second, he's gone for AN HOUR. Who's watching Britney? Although this does explain how she's meeting men and why the pies cooling on my windowsill keep disappearing.
Video after the jump.
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Nov 21 2008 John Mayer meets Jennifer Aniston's dad
John Mayer was reportedly introduced to Jennifer Aniston's father 75-year-old actor John Aniston Wednesday night. The couple dined with Jen's dad and his wife Sherry Rooney at the Beverly Hills Hotel where the "Minstrel of Douche" apparently impressed Mr. Aniston, according to Star:
After starting with a round of cocktails, John and Jen shared a salad, followed by a fish entree. She was even seen feeding him a vegetable off her fork. As for the conversation — led by Jen's step mom, who was much chattier than Jen's dad — it ranged from music to... Tom Hanks.
"John spent a lot of time talking about his music philosophies — why certain decades have better music," says the eyewitness. "He discussed his experiences with Aretha Franklin and made a joke about Tom Hanks." His nerves showed when Jen hit the powder room. John charmingly asked the table: "How am I doing?" Then cracked, "I am a wreck." Everyone laughed and Jen's stepmom, whom Jen referred to as "mom" throughout dinner, said, "Should we get our score cards out? Like on Dancing With the Stars?" John replied: "Exactly. It feels like Dancing with the Stars."
When Jen returned, her stepmom outed John for being nervous and told Jen that he said it felt like he's on an audition for Dancing with the Stars. Jen laughed and rubbed his thigh.
Afterward, everyone retired to the parlor for figgy pudding and a ribald game of Charades where young Master Mayer imitated the operation of the new horseless carriage. Huzzah!
Nov 21 2008 Paris Hilton & Benji Madden 'just taking a break'
Paris Hilton called into Ryan Seacrest's radio show this morning to set the record straight on her relationship with Benji Madden. Supposedly, the two are "just talking a break," and Paris hinted they could get back together, according to E! News:
"He is an incredible person, and we will always be really close," Hilton said. "We will see what happens in the future. I am still in love with him."
As for why they decided to go their separate ways for now...
"He has been working nonstop with his brother on his new record. I am working and traveling," she said. "All these reports that say I dumped him aren't true. This is a decision we made together as adults."
The last time I was on a "break" from a relationship, I sat around in my boxers for days on end building LEGOs and watching porn. (Its been five years, but I know she'll call me back as soon as her husband gives her the message.) I'm sure Benji Madden's doing the same thing - or he's frantically searching for a hooker that won't make him wear a HAZMAT suit. I'm not a mind reader.
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Nov 21 2008 Lindsay Lohan & Samantha Ronson have a catfight
Wanna know Samantha Ronson's secret to keeping Lindsay Lohan a lesbian? Punching. Lots and lots of punching. Sam reportedly let the fists fly early yesterday morning at a London nightclub when she saw Lindsay dancing with her ex Calum Best, according to The Sun:
A shocked onlooker revealed yesterday: “Lindsay was having a boogie on the dance floor with Calum. They were getting pretty close to each other and Sam was nowhere to be seen.
“And then all hell broke loose. Sam came screeching up to Lindsay, screaming blue murder and throwing punches. She went ballistic. The pair traded a series of blows before Calum managed to prise them apart. It was a really ugly scene.”
Once out in the lobby the two kissed and made up. And by made up I mean it was Lindsay's turn to open a can:
Another eyewitness revealed: “Lindsay was furious with what Sam had done. She launched herself at Sam in the lobby. She was spitting at her and clawing at her chest. She was fuming.”
I included pics of Lindsay looking all forlorn outside the club in her car. Never before have I seen a woman so desperately miss the penis. Hang in there, champ. Your career'll be dead before you know it, and then you can have wang until the cows come home. Don't stop believing!
UPDATE: Page Six reports Lindsay and Sam are now seeing a couples counselor because of the fight. Apparently, this shit happens a lot which would be hot if Samantha Ronson didn't look like a coked-out Squiggy from Laverne & Shirley. I went there.
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