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A little background: Megan and I dated for about 4 months. About 6 weeks ago, it became apparent that we weren't really going anywhere as a couple, so we ended it. It was mutual and in no way left any bad blood. She's a cool chick to hang out with so we keep in touch pretty regularly. Her new boyfriend as of about a month ago is a smarmy, cocky, maggot dicked motherfucker named Seth. He is a coworker of hers, hated by her friends and despised by just about everyone that meets him. I don't see any redeeming qualities about him (except maybe his flexibility) so I seriously don't know what the hell she is doing with him. Today I called Megan, who is out of town on business, to ask her if I could stop by her house to get some of my DVDs that she still has. She said it would be no problem, so off I went to her place. There was another car that I didn't recognize in her driveway, and I assumed it was a friend of hers charged with taking care of her dogs and cats while Megan is away. It didn't even cross my mind that it could have been Seth. I went inside and didn't see anyone in the first couple of rooms. I figured that whomever it was might be outside playing with Megan's dogs. The house is set up in such a way that from her bedroom it is hard to hear if someone comes down the hallway. This was unfortunate for Seth because her bedroom is where my DVDs were. When I walked into her bedroom, this is what I was greeted with:  http://img40.exs.cx/img40/8950/seth1gi.jpgI can only approximate the sheer look of terror and disgust on my face at what I saw-- good ol' shitdick Seth was furiously sucking his own dick with a vibrator (one I bought for Megan, mind you) shoved in his rear end. On the floor beside him were a couple pair of Megan's panties. I yelled 'WHAT THE gently caress ARE YOU DOING?!' and Seth just about broke his neck trying to get up and scramble away. He stuttered something incoherent and darted past me out of the room. He was too shocked to even grab his pants and I was too shocked to do much of anything at first. I picked up his pants, fished Megan's house key out of his pocket and went to the living room where I saw him deperately trying to unlock the door. I threw his pants at him, opened the door and literally kicked him out. http://img40.exs.cx/img40/9218/kick0qv.jpgI yelled "Get the gently caress out of here and don't let me EVER catch you NEAR Megan again!" He replied with a hearty "gently caress YOU!" as he ran to his car. Mine was parked behind his, so I naturally went to move it. He said "If you tell her I will kick your rear end!" I started laughing so hard I could hardly see straight. He said "I'm serious I'll kick your rear end!" I told him that he was insane if he thought I WASN'T going to tell EVERYONE I could find, including random people on the street. By this time he had his pants on and I guess he was feeling brave and cocky because he picked up one of the bricks lining Megan's driveway and threw it at me, missing by a mile. This made me laugh even harder which set him off and he started yelling and cursing even more. He picked up another brick and started to come at me so I reached into my car and grabbed a machete, gave him the Stare Of Death and said "Bring it on, bitch." http://img40.exs.cx/img40/8331/machete6pd.jpg He got the message, dropped the brick and got into his car. I moved mine and let him drive away. The thing that really pissed me off, aside from the blatant invasion of Megan's privacy and the sheer perversion of what he did, was the fact that Megan's 12 year old sister could have walked in at any moment to find him there. She comes over to Megan's after school to play with the dogs, and all of this happened very close to her usual arrival time. I shudder to think what would have happened to the poor kid had she found Seth like that. Of course I fully expect there to be some major fallout over all this. Seth has been known to make totally absurd and ridiculous threats (including death!) against people he feels wronged him. Of course I'm absolutely petrified.  I can't wait to see how Seth tries to weasel his way out of this one with Megan. I tried to call her right after it happened, but she was in a meeting. I don't know if Seth has tried to contact her to make a pre-emptive strike against me or anything.Hell, if I could suck my own dick I probably would, but come on... Seth went just a tad overboard. And for those curious, he wasn't all that hung, just very flexible. EDIT: To answer questions about why I have a machete in my car: My martial arts instructor and I use them routinely when working out. I just happened to have it with me. EDIT #2: New developments on page 6! EDIT #3: 2nd update on page 9! EDIT #4: Update on page 12! Seth wins the first round! EDIT #5: Seth's demise is at hand! Page 14! EDIT #6: SUPER MEGA UPDATE Megan talks to Seth! Seth freaks out! Pahuyuth in danger! Cops! Photos! Page 17! EDIT #7: Recorded phone threat! Pictures of damage to car! Page 20! EDIT #8: Swords! Cops! Page 21! EDIT #9: THE (FINAL?) SHOWDOWN!! PAGE 26! EDIT #10: CLOSURE?? PAGE 37! EDIT #11: POLICE REPORTS!! PAGE 38! pahuyuth fucked around with this message at Apr 01, 2005 around 22:29 |
| # ? Mar 23, 2005 19:55 |
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| # ? Dec 01, 2008 17:07 |
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Oh god haahhahahahah edit: Somethingawful.com is hilarious
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| # ? Mar 23, 2005 19:57 |
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I don't think whether or not Seth sucks his own cock is any of your business and you should probably just shut up.
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| # ? Mar 23, 2005 19:57 |
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And this is why I  GBS.
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| # ? Mar 23, 2005 19:58 |
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I'm sorry, but by default seeing a guy suck himself off with a dildo in his rear end makes you gay.
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| # ? Mar 23, 2005 19:58 |
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How could you possibly explain that to someone. "Yeah, so i was sucking my own dick and had a dildo vibrating in my rear end.... but its not what it sounds like..."
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| # ? Mar 23, 2005 19:58 |
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I'm at work. And I'm confused because I refuse to open those pictures.
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| # ? Mar 23, 2005 19:58 |
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Haha, "Pahuyuth doesn't know what the gently caress." Hahaha. Great story, man. MSPaints even better.
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| # ? Mar 23, 2005 19:58 |
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Holy poo poo. edit: Shirt with "GOON JUSTICE" on it makes my loving day.
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| # ? Mar 23, 2005 19:58 |
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So you didn't ask him how he does it?
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| # ? Mar 23, 2005 19:59 |
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quote:pahuyuth came out of the closet to say: I was with you up until this point. WHY do you drive around with a machete in your car??
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| # ? Mar 23, 2005 19:59 |
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Hahahahahahahhaahah that's loving awesome. I can't think of any WORSE situation in which to have someone walking in inadvertently. Please let us know what happens in the aftermath. I think Megan needs to burn everything Seth has touched. Icky.
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| # ? Mar 23, 2005 19:59 |
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Goddamn this is a great change of pace  Subscribed and eagerly awaiting any news from Megan. Why do girls always pick some Grade-A rear end in a top hat like that for the rebound guy?
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| # ? Mar 23, 2005 19:59 |
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Thats pretty lovely considering he was using her vibrator in his rear end. He should of known better and used his own vibrator. In other news, awsome story. Hopefully there will be an even more awsome follow up.
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| # ? Mar 23, 2005 19:59 |
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That was great. The kicking out paint was the best. Thanks for that.
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| # ? Mar 23, 2005 19:59 |
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Oh please... Like everyone Doesn't suck his own dick every once in a while.
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| # ? Mar 23, 2005 20:00 |
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Seth has quite a career in gay porn to look forward too.
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| # ? Mar 23, 2005 20:00 |
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quote:Redcoat came out of the closet to say: I agree with this guy!
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| # ? Mar 23, 2005 20:00 |
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You're right: his flexibility isn't the issue. It's perpetrating the act in his gf's bedroom, with panties scattered around, and sticking her vibe up his unsanitary mangina. Ewww...
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| # ? Mar 23, 2005 20:00 |
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Hahahaha... just the image of some guy seriously chucking a brick at another guy, and then the other guy pulls out a freakin machete makes me pee my self happily. Oh and you'll never get the whole dick sucking image out of your head.
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| # ? Mar 23, 2005 20:00 |
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Wow, I don't really know what to say. Please update with her reaction.
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| # ? Mar 23, 2005 20:00 |
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quote:Kelnai came out of the closet to say: I teach/study a couple of martial arts that are blade oriented. My instructor and I routinely work out with machetes. I'll definitely update the thread when the (inevitable) crazy fallout occurs.
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| # ? Mar 23, 2005 20:01 |
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I fully condone telling everyone you know about this, but telling him to stay away from Megan? why? it's not like he was cheating on her.
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| # ? Mar 23, 2005 20:01 |
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quote:Redcoat came out of the closet to say: Agreed. You masturbate with your own hand don't you? However I don't see how one can suck their own cock.
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| # ? Mar 23, 2005 20:01 |
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yeah, I need to start taking yoga
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| # ? Mar 23, 2005 20:01 |
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Another self dick sucking thread in GBS. Serously. It's hosed up and extremely funny at the same time.
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| # ? Mar 23, 2005 20:01 |
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quote:Kelnai came out of the closet to say: I carried one when I was driving across country by myself, but it was mainly a joke, because I bought it from Meijer's for $5 and it was barely thicker than tin foil.
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| # ? Mar 23, 2005 20:01 |
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Haha, I love the second nws picture.
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| # ? Mar 23, 2005 20:01 |
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The story is so over the top if you told her she would probably assume you to be a raving fruitball. PS. Ask him how he did it.
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| # ? Mar 23, 2005 20:02 |
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quote:pahuyuth came out of the closet to say: Isn't it funny how guys never like their ex's new boyfriends? Also, why didn't you ask how he does it?
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| # ? Mar 23, 2005 20:02 |
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quote:Kelnai came out of the closet to say: In case people who suck their own dicks try to threaten your life with bricks, why else would you carry one? Came in handy, didn't it. I'm going to buy one to replace my bat.
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| # ? Mar 23, 2005 20:02 |
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That's exactly what I'd have done in that situation, including the machete grab. Well played.
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| # ? Mar 23, 2005 20:02 |
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The real awkward part is that the dildo is the one you bought for Meagan. That was a beautiful story. Please give us updates as soon as Meagan knows.
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| # ? Mar 23, 2005 20:02 |
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quote:pahuyuth came out of the closet to say: Edit: this was answered. Still a machete, in your car, wtf...
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| # ? Mar 23, 2005 20:02 |
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Yea good luck getting that image out of your mind. This is possibly one of the funniest stories I have read in GBS lately.
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| # ? Mar 23, 2005 20:02 |
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I could never reach 
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| # ? Mar 23, 2005 20:03 |
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quote:Redcoat came out of the closet to say:
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| # ? Mar 23, 2005 20:03 |
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Oh so sucking your own dick is bad only if you have a vibrator in your rear end?
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| # ? Mar 23, 2005 20:03 |
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Good story. I agree with him being humiliated, considering he was using her toy and panties and room and her, and all.
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| # ? Mar 23, 2005 20:04 |
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Well if that isn't awkward.
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| # ? Mar 23, 2005 20:04 |
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Rate Thread:
The Something Awful Forums > Archives > Comedy Goldmine > I caught my ex's new boyfriend sucking his own dick.